Sunday, December 2, 2012

:: kAsiH sayAnG ::

Heh...mlm ni jiwa sedikit kacau...i dunno y..tp emosi mcm bergegar-gegar...mcm ada rasa nk hempuk kepala kt dinding...macam la tapi..

So dear unformal diary, nk ngadu kt ko boleh? i mean..klu ko tanak dgr pun..tak kira..nk ngadu jugak!!! titik.arini nk berckp tentang kasih sayang..auwww~ gediks..lol...tp tu la nk ckp jugak.....

Previously i was reading a mini novel published in online novel by my favourite author kak syam when she talks about 8.20 saat... owh it was a research done that the exactly time a guy fall in love maybe at a first sight.

Regardless she was saying...klu dlm 4 saat a guy look at u...maknanya ada possibility yg dia akn suka/jatuh cinta/ rasa nak kt ko...so..klu lebih 8.20 saat..maksudnya dia mmg suka ko la kot..mcm tu la lebih kurang akak tu ckp...tp aku tak sure sbb blom penah jatuh cinta.

To be honest, i never thought that i'm going to fell in love..hahaha..i mean seriously...puppy love? yeah..tu zaman kanak2 rasanya skang da tak valid kot...tp yg aku tau..semua tu berakhir 3 4 tahun lepas.

Getting older n become matured really did a lots of changes...i mean..focusing on myself..mungkin zaman remaja..kisah terjebak dgn puppy love tu sbb nkkan perhatian..but i wont admitted that was a love..i called it 'teman tp mesra'.

For a person who know me very well..they know how tough my life i have to endure since i was a kid...tp bak kt org...it really give a lots of advantages sbb u get matured very soon.apart from that...u learn to hold the tears without ppl notices n u kept the secret remain a secret.

Bukan nk ngungkit..tp i am that kid who suffered a lots..i mean from getting the right 'kasih sayang' i would say....but the truth is...it built a wall where u tend to avoid getting one because it's kinda fobia when ppl left u..got what i mean?

More than that, u think the way that ppl dun think...contohnya..klu betul ko sayang aku...how long the loves gonna stay..how well u put an effort to let me still n how much times u need to show the feeling...jadi..itu buat ko takot..takot nk terima kenyataan org sayang ko lebih...

Even among the sibling..u tend to think that they loves u because u r their sibling...klu tak..ko tak usah duk mimpi dia nk sayang ko lebih pun..ha sampai mcm tu skali thp pemikiran logik ni...hoho...

Ok back to the think that we call falling in love...tak kira la at a first sight ke at a 10th sight ke...it's really difficult for me to believe that feeling..bkn nk menidakkan perasaan allah titipkan..tp for me..i just dun go with that kind of feeling.

Contohnya..when a guy said...hey do u noe that i like u...it was like...ne? aaahhhh kurekunaaaa....ok....ha, mcm tu je..that is that.sbb ko tau..dr dulu sampai sekarang..a guy never serious to like u..i mean maybe in a short term they do..but forever? no they don't. ini berckp ikut aku punya pemerhatian.

Because u saw the effort done tak bersungguh...mcm tak berape nk ber'effort...ha..gitu...that's y sometimes i was wondering how mum can loves dad so much even ada satu thp yg ayah ko terlepas ckp..ur mum terasa tp still..after a while it was nothing...so i thought, ooooo..kiranya mmg umi sayang ba sgt2 la..ok fine..tu rsnya lain sbb they are married...bkn kekasih yg blom kawen..so ikatan tu jenis valid taleh ubah2 smpi mati.

Tp in case of mine...i dun think that a guy really fall for u except 1) dia rasa tercabar dia tadek gf so dia msk ngorat ko , 2) dia suka tgk ko sbb either cute ke cantik ke, manis ke...sbb figure..sebab muka..bkn sbb ati 3) dia minat ko sbb er..pape je la tp dia ade sbb....maksudnya bukan sbb dia mmg benar2 jatuh cinta kt ko...konon jatuh cinta without reason...eh mcm mn ntah nk terangkan...

So..in the end..klu ko ckp ko tak ready..dia mcm ok fine *muka sedih gile* tp after 2 3 months...terus ada pengganti..haha..tp tula taleh nk salahkan dia sbb perasaan tu Allah yg titipkan..ngerti..tapi still..i just cannot come to my sense that how a guy or a girl mcm tu...

I mean cthnya kwn ko couple..pastu rasa tak sesuai..clash...cr org lain lg...paham tak? mcm haku tak phm...i mean klu betul ko sayang dia awat tak sungguh2 kata nk kat dia..i mean smpai mati pun nk kat dia...

Ridiculous much? yeahhhh i noe...tu aku punya thinking...kekadang rasa mcm eh suka ati depa la ko nk kisah apsal? ok that's y aku kt i dun believe in i dunno...loves? feels? i dunno...mcm dia buat ko tadek feeling...

Tp the problem with me...aku gile novel cinta..because through the books i learn about loves..but to put my self on that condition...i think i need 'seorg putra yg jatuh dr langit' lol....yg boleh ajar ko to accept those kinda feeling...boleh gitu?

Therefore in the end...boleh tak jgn tny kak nie ni bila nk kawen tadek boify ke hape...sbb ikutkan hati...ade je yg haku duk admirer ke hape..tp takat tu n teman tp mesra je..blom thp yg nk suh ckp "u, bila nk jumpe mak ayah i masuk mintak i" lol..blom...blom tahap tu... i guest this commitment fobia mcm teruk sgt ni..haha..mcm.kena g jumpe pakar kaunseling je ni..lol

So rasanya it more a sickness of my heart. mcm kena doa kt Allah mintak hati baru..mungkin lepas tu br boleh terima kenyataan u need love in ur life.. poyo much? hahaha

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